Name: Madeleine Rose
Dreams of: Being a teacher
What has my life been like lately? Well it’s been like a train getting stuck somewhere along the railway tracks, never quite arriving at the next destination. Nothing has moved, nothing has changed. A friend, who I spoke to a fortnight ago, texted me: “What have you been up to?”. My only response was “Nothing”. My life has been just an endless cycle of get up, eat, nap, apply for jobs, watch the same movie, eat again, toilet, sleep.
That kind of nothingness has impacted my mental health severely. It feels like each day I awake to a world turning grey and I begin to slowly retreat more inside myself. I’m not sad or anything, but I’m not happy either. Things I used to enjoy don’t seem to excite me any more. It’s so hard to describe because I don’t feel lonely, and I don’t want to harm myself.
Yesterday I spent a good half an hour looking at my blank phone screen.
I’m just so worried about everything it’s crazy. I think that is what led me into a psychosis last night where, for five minutes, I felt like I was choking on a spoon. It was crazy. I have only ever had one psychotic episode before and that was when I was in care. I was so scared. I woke up my sister at 2am and made her watch me for 40 minutes.
I have spoken to my doctor about getting a mental health care plan and I was given sessions to see a mental healthcare worker. However, when I called, every single psychologist in my area said their waiting list was long, some even said over eight months. So then I thought I would call all of those 24/7 services that you see in the ads, and I never got through to a single person. On one call, I waited for 40 minutes before deciding it was not worth it. It was so ridiculous.
It just utterly sucks feeling like you don’t have a purpose any more. Not in a depressed way or anything, I just have nothing to do. I have no money so doing things like going out to eat is way out of my budget. I could barely afford to even pay $60 to get my medication, as Centrelink’s coronavirus supplement has now decreased again. My phone bill was late last month and now I have to pay a late fee this month so I can actually have data, which I need to apply for jobs.
I mean if I had a job, this nothingness would end. This state of mind could be halted. I would feel accomplished once again, I could feel like I am moving forwards again. But once again, I keep on applying and keep on getting rejected. It’s a brutal, endless cycle.
Though on a much lighter note, I finally got my glasses. I was able to go on a payment plan, but this completely screwed with my budget, as I wanted to get the big black ones that were $150, not the old-fashioned small ones that were $30. If you’re poor why would one care what glasses they wear? Well because I need to wear these glasses every single day for the rest of my life. I just wished my eyes didn’t look better with the more expensive glasses. Still, everything looks so much clearer and my headaches have gone.
With everything that is still going on, it has made me reevaluate my priorities in life. I feel a greater need to have stability in my life. I want more of a routine lifestyle than a spontaneous one. I am so scared of what this year is going to hold and the challenges that will surely arise, but it would be so nice to finally start living again and not feel like an empty water bottle.
Thank you to all the readers who shared in my journey over the summer. This, unfortunately, is my last diary. I’m not sure what the rest of the year has in store for me, or where my dreams and hopes lead me, but I wish you all the best.
• In Australia, support is available at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, Lifeline on 13 11 14, and at MensLine on 1300 789 978. In the UK, the charity Mind is available on 0300 123 3393 and Childline on 0800 1111. In the US, Mental Health America is available on 800-273-8255